Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Flash-a-thon #2

Dear Coca-Cola

Dear Coca-Cola,

I’d like a million dollars, please. I honestly don’t think this is too much to ask. I’m not asking for it in a litigious way. Rather, I think it’s a suitable reward for someone who has been a loyal consumer of your product for decades.

I understand that there are frequently contests on the insides of bottle caps. I suspect, however, that the people who win the big prizes in these contests are just as likely to be, God forbid, Pepsi drinkers. They saw that there was a contest, or that Coke happened to be on sale, and decided to buy Coke on that occasion. In fact, I fear it’s likely that this is the reason the contests are run in the first place—to entice people to buy your product who wouldn’t normally do so.

I have to tell you, though, that I’m tired of seeing the message, “Drink Coke. Play again.” I drink Coke whether there is a game or not. I drink Coke, in fact, at times when I absolutely should not drink Coke.

In 8th grade, I soaked my retainer overnight in Coke to destroy the germs that had built up over the course of the day. In college, when pulling all-nighters to write my term papers, it would have been more logical to drink Jolt for double the caffeine, but no, I barricaded myself in my room with a typewriter and four two-liter bottles of Coke. (To be fair, one of those bottles did offer me a free 16 ounce bottle of Coke.). When taking my children to a fast food place, I choose the location based on whether or not the soda fountain is accessible for free refills and whether it serves Coke, not on whether said restaurant has cool toys or playgrounds for the kids. I have endured no less than eleven kidney stones; my doctor assures me this is due to my consumption of, on average, 96 ounces of Coke per day. Several of my teeth have been replaced. My blood sugar count is alarmingly high, and it’s likely I’ll soon face early onset of Diabetes.

I tell you these things not to complain, but rather to illustrate what a loyal consumer of Coke I have been over the years, even through the disastrous New Coke experiment. (And tell the truth: that was really just a ploy to illustrate to your complacent public just how addicted they all were to the real Coke before bringing it back as Coca-Cola Classic.)

In light of all this, isn’t it time, rather than awarding prizes by the luck of the draw to someone who may or may not have any product loyalty whatsoever, to reward one who happily evangelizes your product by way of example?

I thank you for your consideration (and hopefully, one million dollars; I have dental bills coming due shortly).


Dave Clapper.


At 8:16 AM, Blogger Katie said...

I love this! It makes a lot of sense. Think of all the money they would save by not printing up special contest bottle caps! It would definitely offset a good part of your million.

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Ellen said...

Ha! This is tremendous, Dave!! It reminds me of those Ted Nancy Letters from a Nut books (no offense). He has one where he writes to Pepsi to tell them he invented his own soft drink he calls Piet Depsi, and that construction workers seem to like it a lot. Cracks me the hell up. You should read it.

And good luck with the million dollars, dear. Personally, I'm working on my second million. I gave up on the first. *rim shot*

At 1:01 PM, Blogger Lissette said...

Hahahahaha....that really makes sense to say that thing about....how they should give the winning caps to loyal Coca cola drinkers...me and my friend were cracking up...and we like to wish good luck in getting your million dollars...we will support you..!!!!! ;]

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Dave Clapper said...

Ha! Thanks, everyone. Now I'm wondering if I should mail this to Coke instead of just trying to get it published at Journal of Modern Post.

At 8:32 AM, Blogger Ecks Ridgehead said...

Nice post, I like it!


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